Going nowhere, fast.

Where in he world did all of these hostile drivers come from?

Once or twice a month I take a two-hour drive, most of which is on the highway. The speed limit is 65 miles an hour, which seems pretty reasonable to me. Unfortunately, it appears I stand alone.

See, if you drive in the middle lane, monster trucks come up behind you and try to fuck you up the ass, forcing you out of the middle lane. If you move into the left passing lane, some asshole in a black car with gold trim will be trying to fuck you up the ass. Or maybe it will be Paris Hilton, who may just smash into the back of your car for fun, but hey, that’s her manager’s fault, so that doesn’t really count, right?

Of course you could move into the right lane, except you’ll probably end up behind some 3000 year old hag, some ignorant bitch slapping her kids in the back seat while she’s trying to drive, or some jerk off in a hunk of shit hoopdie on the cell phone, trying to make the radio louder all while attempting to drive a car. So it appears the right slow-ass-lane is not much better. Seems either way, you’re fucked.

All of this would not piss me off quite so much if I didn’t find myself at the toll both sitting right next to the same assholes who tried to fuck me up the ass with their car. Of course, they will rudely cut five other people out so they can quick, get through that toll faster and fuck some Jetta up the ass, who in all likelihood will be sitting right behind them at the next toll booth.

Well, they say every dog has its day. So I’ll just keep praying that the next time one of those lunatic drivers tries to fuck a car up the ass, it’s an unmarked cop car.


At 6:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Of course, they will rudely cut five other people out so they can quick, get through that toll faster and fuck some Jetta up the ass, who in all likelihood will be sitting right behind them at the next toll booth.

i almost choked on my raisin bran, that was so funny, and so true. people get fucking crazy on the road, especially the highways. which is all the better, of course, since you're going breakneck speed. i live in arizona, so its not totally fucked like in some states, but there are a godawful lot of terrible drivers from kahlifoania that come in. but they arent the worst, its all the old people!

love the post!

At 10:08 AM, Anonymous Kerstin said...

Ugh. Those trucks aren't too bad on the Phoenix freeways. Probably because everyone else there is a lunatic driver, myself included. I actually had a teacher in high school who was RUN OVER by one of those trucks. The traffic had come to a stop and she was sitting there waiting when a semi, whose driver had fallen asleep, rolled over the top of her car.

At 10:17 AM, Blogger protest said...

i can look at it both ways: when i'm in my crappy car i get fucked up the ass, when i'm in my good car i fuck others up the ass, see it's all about context...or something. in PA there are more trucks than cars, so trucker etiquette is important to understand. if i see a truck coming up hard on my ass i'll duck into the slow lane and let them by, then get back out to avoid the old ladies. i do this for cars as well just because i know i'd want it done for me when i'm in my good car. it's just courtesy, plus in PA it's a "law" that slow stays right, fast stays left. i get very annoyed at people who just space out when they drive and never fucking look in their mirrors at the other cars around them who might want to pass.

At 2:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you taking about Mass drivers? Because they (well, we) are crazy. We're called Massholes for a reason.

At 5:04 AM, Anonymous kin87 said...

I love this post!!! It is so funny how no matter who you talk to they will describe highways exactly like that (makes me wonder who is the asshole in the other car...).

I have been up and down the east coast (NY-Fl), and can say in my opinion Florida is absolutely the worst. I have been here forever and can't tell you how bad most (It seems like everyone other than me, not that I'm perfect) people are. I worked in a hospital and nothing is funnier (not haha funny but you'll understand) than a person strapped to a backboard with a neckbrace on saying "I can't believe this, this is the THIRD TIME I've crashed without my seatbelt on", while among their personal belongings is a speeding ticket for going 85 in a 55 (55 is average highway speeds near me)


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