Look me in the eye and say that.

Okay listen. I know we aren't all perfect. But one abnormality, well, makes me fucking dizzy.

Most people don't give a shit what you have to say. They shake their heads and grin while you are talking, impatiently waiting for any break or pause so they can jump in and monopolize the conversation. But there actually some people that care more about being interested, than being interesting. These are people that actually look you in the eye when you speak.

I like to think I am one of those people who look you in the eye. Herein lies the problem. There are some people that have one eyeball that appears to be looking in a different direction than the other eyeball. This is deeply problematic for me, because I never really know which eyeball to look at. I find myself splitting my attention between eyeballs, almost like playing pong. Makes me dizzy as hell.

Innately, what I really want to say is "hey, you stray eyeball, over here". To make matters worse, I recently discovered that this is an easily correctable condition - yet I know someone who can have this simple procedure, but is "afraid" to have it done. Afraid? You're fucking scaring the shit out of everyone else with that thing.

Please, if you have a naughty eyeball that won't stay put, do us all a favor and yank that puppy into place, will you?

19 Comments:

At 11:49 AM, Anonymous kingmarco66 said...

Riiiight.
First time reader & last time reader. You're quite the little bitch, piker. I can only presume you're either a), a gay drama queen, b), an ex-christian, or c), deeply insecure. And all the replying posts to your pointless whining are positive and agreeable!
Could that possibly be due to

*Comment moderation has been enabled. All comments must be approved by the blog author.*

Doncha reckon you could do sompthin more usefull than flick shit at the universe to make yourself feel better? This crappy blog is obviously not helping you ... or at least whine about sompthin *meaningfull*, eh?

 
At 2:23 PM, Blogger the original piker said...

This coming from someone whose name is "king". Fuck you asshole. That's what blogs are about. Don't like my point of view? Too fucking bad. Of course you won't see this post because you are a "first time and last time reader". But it so happens that I publish every post, including ones from losers like yourself - this is so everyone will know the kind of shmoe you are.

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger Kerstin said...

OK, I was going to comment on the post being hilarious because that same thing makes me nuts too, but after reading the comment by KingMarco, I'm laughing even harder.

What a great way to start my Monday.

 
At 3:56 PM, Blogger Manny said...

LOL! I was recently at a softball game for my daughter and the lady working the snack bar had a, um, wayward eyeball. I wanted to stare, but I couldn't tell if she was looking at me or the plane passing overhead. I can't believe I forgot to tell my fiance that. Man it creeped me out.

 
At 4:07 PM, Blogger the original piker said...

Don't you love that? Better yet, google him. He's a 75 year old fart oggling young "blonde" women!

 
At 6:14 PM, Blogger Kerstin said...

Yikes. That explains A LOT!

 
At 3:11 PM, Blogger Lily said...

OMG. I almost peed myself reading this post. Sooo funny.

 
At 11:11 PM, Blogger Britt said...

One of my lecturer's has a straying eye. It was tough when he asked questions, as you never knew if he wanted you or the person next to you to answer.
Distracting.

 
At 6:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Usually I enjoy your posts but I did think this one was a bit mean. I agree people with lazy eyes are kind of creepy but you cant blame someone for being scared to have an operation to fix it. I mean what exactly does the operation include what are the risks. I would rather have a lazy eye than lose sight in my eye if the procedure goes wrong but I have no clue what would be done to fix it.

 
At 12:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ROFL at post n comments! I have a friend w both eyes heading in different directions and it drives me nuts trying to figure it out. Instead I stare at the hair in his nose holes and am happy I gon't have to wake up next to him.

 
At 2:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My daughter was born with strabismus. After 14 years, three surgeries, glasses, contacts, and consultations with the best pediatric opthamologists in the country, it is still not 100% correctable. It is not a simple procedure, but lengthy, complex, quite risky, and expensive. We happen to have the means to accomplish whatever it takes, but when she is tired, one eye will drift without warning. Perhaps those you see are without the financial means to correct the problem surgically, as a single eye surgery, without insurance, could easily run over $50,000. The surgery, which entails a trial and error technique by the surgeon of cutting eye muscles and reattaching them to the eye, may not be successful. Her third surgery actually corrected a problem but caused two more, and it was done by the most-respected surgeon in the US. She refuses to go through any more, as the last was quite painful. Our last effort will entail LASIK when she is of age. I could ask you to have more compassion, but I know crazy eyes are disconcerting. Fortunately, our daughter's deviation is only visible about 10 percent of the time, and she is quite pulchritudinous so that most people would never even notice. Just remember, not everyone has the same access or means that we do.

 
At 5:49 PM, Blogger Aloha Ya'll said...

Dude, you are a fucking genius. I haven't laughed this hard since the bitch on the sixth floor of the bioengineering lab dropped vials of fungus and killed every lab rat on the entire floor (and i quit... all within 15 minutes, leaving a dozen other employees to scrub). It's one of life's coincidences that you have addressed almost 90% of human foibles in a clever and well written format. btw kingmarco66 mispelled meaningful... i think that means sumptin.

 
At 10:39 AM, Blogger the original piker said...

Anon. I have quite a deal of compassion for your daugether. My sister was fortunate to have hers corrected, but still hides all the pictures of her as a little girl with pastel blue horn rimmed glasses and one crazy eye. My blog is a place for me to express my thoughts, far better than saying them out loud. But fortunate or not, many (and some instance are easy to correct) choose to not deal with it at all. That's what my rant is about. Thank you for sharing :)

 
At 2:01 PM, Blogger BV said...

I was out to dinner with a good friend of mine on Tuesday evening. I've been friends with her for about 5 years. Now, out of the blue, one of her eyeballs is looking in a different direction than the other one. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know which eyeball to look into. Should I have said something to her? Sometimes it happens when we get rip roaring drunk, but not on a Tuesday evening around 6.

I was very dizzy by the end of the night.

 
At 4:18 PM, Blogger Manny said...

Hey Pike, any new posts you're working on?

 
At 5:31 PM, Blogger the original piker said...

This weekend, wicked...

 
At 11:59 PM, Anonymous Jen said...

Funny stuff. My stepmother has a wonky eye. We call her Cookie Monster (well, not to her face). I have yet to figure out which eye to look at when she's talking to me. One of these days I'm going to ask.

 
At 8:27 PM, Anonymous ender said...

Hey Jen
I call my wife's aunt "Cookie Monster" (not to her face) but not because of her eyes. It's because she eats like....Cookie Monster.

 
At 1:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you anonymous. After 36 years of dealing with the juvenile cruelty of those born perfect I thought I couldn't be touched by this crap anymore. Thanks for providing the straight dope for these dopes.

 

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