Look me in the eye and say that.

Okay listen. I know we aren't all perfect. But one abnormality, well, makes me fucking dizzy.

Most people don't give a shit what you have to say. They shake their heads and grin while you are talking, impatiently waiting for any break or pause so they can jump in and monopolize the conversation. But there actually some people that care more about being interested, than being interesting. These are people that actually look you in the eye when you speak.

I like to think I am one of those people who look you in the eye. Herein lies the problem. There are some people that have one eyeball that appears to be looking in a different direction than the other eyeball. This is deeply problematic for me, because I never really know which eyeball to look at. I find myself splitting my attention between eyeballs, almost like playing pong. Makes me dizzy as hell.

Innately, what I really want to say is "hey, you stray eyeball, over here". To make matters worse, I recently discovered that this is an easily correctable condition - yet I know someone who can have this simple procedure, but is "afraid" to have it done. Afraid? You're fucking scaring the shit out of everyone else with that thing.

Please, if you have a naughty eyeball that won't stay put, do us all a favor and yank that puppy into place, will you?

How to really piss off a woman.

If a woman is nasty to you, and you really want to piss her off, here are my top 10 suggestions:

#1. Do you have your period?

#2. When are you due?

#3. Haven't had sex in while, eh?

#4. Here, let a man do that.

#5. Nevermind, you won't understand.