Hairy and scary. Part 2.

You can’t have too much money, but you can have too much hair.

Although the hair I am talking about is not on your head. Perhaps it doesn’t bother most people, but hair in all the wrong places just weirds me out. Of course women tend to be better about hair management in general.

Women have figured out that a single pair of tweezers can go a long way. It still doesn’t mean you won’t see a woman that has a mustache like Hitler, but it’s a lot less common then men’s hairy orifices.

As men get older, they tend to get hair, and I mean an abundance of hair, in the most undesirable places. There's is a man that works in our office building, a very well educated professional who has a fucking bush growing out of his nose. I want to say something… but what? “Hey, what are you, fucking Rapunzel? I can't even look at him.

Worse yet is one of my doctors, this dude has trees growing out of his ears. Like he's gonna get a pick and fucking style it or something. Ears and noses shouldn't look like a Chia pet. It’s gross.

Hint: it's called trimmer.

Snot funny.

Everybody has at least one nasty habit.

Picking your teeth, ear, ass or nose all qualify as nasty habits. Of course, having a nasty little habit isn’t embarrassing – it’s getting caught that makes it hideous.

Most intriguing though, are people who do not even attempt to hide their nasty little habits. I have one associate that scratches her scalp all the time, and then proceeds to sniff her fingernails in clear daylight. If you have to sniff remnants of your scalp to find out if it smells bad – you can bet your ass it does.

But this one is the hum dinger. I can only refer to this individual as “someone I know”, because I really don't want my head bashed in. For reference, let’s simply refer to this individual as “the boogie roller”, an individual who has crafted his exceptionally dirty little habit into a hobby of sorts. First, our boogie roller mines a nasty hunk of snot, and then proceeds to work it between this thumb and index finger, forming a round, sticky ball of snot. He will then proceed to play with it, in front of people, for longer than I would chew a stick of gum.

Once bored with his snot ball, he proceeds to flick it haphazardly into the air. This garners a reaction similar to sitting at a hockey game when the puck looks like it’s coming in your direction. Everyone talks about this gross out - except to him. He is simply known as "the boogie roller".

So contain your nasty little habits to the bathroom, and if you really feel the need to share, flick them over to post secret.

Hairy and scary. Part I

Why do so many men insist on wearing one long hairy hedge over their eyes? The dreaded "unibrow" appears to be the result of men’s unwillingness to learn how to properly groom their often massive brows. Gentleman, get with it. Unless you want to look like Bert here, a unibrow is simply not appealing to anyone.

Good grooming isn’t an affront to your masculinity. Really. Any woman, wife, girlfriend (or gay guy if you are secure enough) can help. Or, you could actually go to a salon where they can offer you options from plucking to waxing.

However, please DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME before getting some assistance. Because the only thing worse than a unibrow, is the perfectly clean dissection of a unibrow, resulting in an un-naturally hard edged, wide space which just happens to be exactly the width of a Gillette razor. This leaves you with eyebrows that look as if they were cut out and pasted on your head – again, not a good look.

Think about it. If people aren't getting real close to you, maybe it’s because they fear one of your wild unibrow hairs will poke their fucking eye out.

The envelope please...

"Just Don't" Contest Winners.

You people rock, this was really hard. So I asked a group of my piker friends to help me choose, and we decided to also give two second place prizes as well. It was really tough, but the winners are:

First Prize: $50 Gift Certificate to

KK said...

"Just don't... Buy a bluetooth wireless headset. You're really not that important, no one wants to hear any of your personal and/or business related conversations, you look like a freaking alien & you appear totally stupid talking to yourself everywhere you go".

Second Prize (tie): $25 Gift Certificate to

Skwerly said...

"Just don't: Regale a newly pregnant woman with tales of your friend who just had a miscarriage".

Second Prize (tie): $25 Gift Certificate to

Divine Bird said...

"Just Don't... Offer advice about something I've researched very thoroughly, of which you have little to no understanding. No, PublishAmerica is NOT a good idea if I want to sell my novel. No, I can NOT make my money back by making that garment/piece of furniture/etc and selling it. No, I do NOT have the skills or desire to turn X hobby into a moneymaking venture."

This was fun and I will positively do it again. Winners, to claim your prize submit you email address in a post, I will NOT publish it, and I will email you a gift code.

Thanks for all the great entries and for reading. Suggestions for the next contest welcome :)