Oh doctor, may I kiss your ring?

This post is a quickie but I had to get this off my chest.

Listen, I'm not stupid. We all need doctors. But I don't understand why people in this profession are anointed with a title as if they were royalty. Why are you Mr. Smith and a doctor is Dr. Smith? And how come when I call a busy restaurant and can’t get a reservation my “doctor” friends always seem to get one?

When I am sitting in the bar waiting for a table, it’s “follow me please”. But when my friend the doctor is waiting it’s, “Oh, DOCTOR SMITH! Right this way”. Fuck you. I already know you’re a proctologist, so why does an asshole expert get to be treated any differently than me?

If the President of the United States is referred to as “Mr. President”, an asshole specialist (or any other doctor for that matter) should be Mr. or Mrs. or Ms. just like the rest of us.

And no, even though you’re my friend, I really don’t want to shake your hand, "doctor". So there.

The orange people.

Nope. This post is not about oranges, or people who eat oranges, or even Anita Bryant.

This post is about the increasing number of people who appear to look orange. Why? Why would someone want to look orange? And how much crap would one have to slather on to get this zesty color?

Someone enlighten me, please. Are these overly made up, orange-faced women buying the wrong color, or too much color, or putting it on wrong? They must look in the mirror. Can’t they tell they look like fucking Ernie?

But the quest for orange doesn't stop at make-up. There's always a little fake bake, fellas. Where you climb into a giant easy bake oven and pop out looking, ta-da, orange. And can someone tell me what the fuck “Hollywood Tan” is all about? Aside from George Hamilton, I don't think the rest of Hollywood thinks being orange is a good thing.

Still, the most insane orange-ization technique of all, has you standing in a fake bake booth where they, no shit, spray paint you from head to toe, with, you guessed it, orange die. And you think you've got problems.

Hey, all you orange people, you look awful.